Redneck Homes for Uncle Tim

Hey, I think I found you some House's you'd like

Owner's Quote:

"When we bought the place in '73 it was in pretty rough shape. But with some hard work, TLC and the help of several of our unemployed friends... well, see for yourself! It's a dream bungalow."

Special Features:

* Front yard has plenty of space for kids to play or shoot at passing vehicles.

* "NO TRESPASSING" sign on garage door guaranteed to keep undesirables out (white trash hate it when you rifle through their junk).

* Notice old single bed headboard next to front door (broken when father got too excited in daughter's room).

* "Lawn furniture" in front of garage perfect for sitting around, drinking cheap liquor and harassing passing ladies of the night.

Owner's Quote:
"A restaurant on Scott Road went belly up a few years ago. I took one look at their awning and knew that with a few minor modifications it'd be perfect for my place. The only thing that sucks is after driving home drunk I have to pull myself up that bloody winding staircase!"

Special Features:

* Lovely awnings - perfect for produce vendors & garage sale peddlers; also a great place at top of stairs for all you to use when that quick change of disguise is required! Giant tear in awning from when owner threw his mother out the window during a card game dispute.

* Foliage in foreground adds quaint charm to home-made aluminum fence.

* House needs some repairs but nothing that a man can't accomplish with a pry bar, door shimmy and a shotgun. Maintenance is minimal for a family always on the run.

* Spiral staircase is prominently featured on outside of house as it was too big to fit through the doorway.

* Garage only used on Sundays.

* Well designed privacy fence - low landscaping costs, and overhead wiring - with capacity to power a "growing" family.

* Plenty of parking for at least three flatdeck trucks.

* Priced to sell as owner is moving to a tax free haven for the next 5 to 10 years.

Owner's Quote:
"Yeah, sure it's got a narrow front door, eh. So? We haven't used it for over 20 years. Well, at least since the old lady couldn't fit her rear end through it."

Special Features:

* Tucked away in a grove of moth-infested trees, this is the perfect love nest. And the better trees (dead & rotting) attract hundreds of woodpeckers - great for musicians and the hard of hearing!

* BEST FEATURE: Garage has it's own fireplace - check out the chimney!

* Shanty style greenhouse next to driveway large enough for at least two dozen pot plants.

* Eye catching window coverings.

* Wild rhubarb invading front yard is a nice addition to the quality landscaping.

* Conveniently situated to view recent rash of drive-by shootings.

* Money no problem - professional onsite laundering services available.

Owner's Quote:

"After we got ripped off five or six times we decided to do something about it. A six-foot chain link fence with barbed wire and 5 dobermans did the job. It also makes our son feel more at home when he visits on day passes from Matsqui Prison."

Special Features:

* These folks are so paranoid they put the bird house OUTSIDE the fence (see middle right of photo).

* Enough dandelions to supply a herb wholesaler for two years. Hold on - maybe those thiefs were after the dandelion wine?

* I still don't know if the rotting stench was of animal, human or alien origin.

* Pamper yourself! Quicksand in backyard can be used for uninvited guest's swimming pool.

Owner's Quote:

"Why are you taking pictures of my house? Gimme that camera, you wiseass jerk!"

[Leroy was hostile at first, thinking I was from Revenue Canada. He warmed up after I told him his home would be featured on the internet along with his telephone number so chicks could call him. Ended up drinking homemade firewater with him on the rear patio until a police raid next door put an end to our socializing...]

Special Features:

* Five foot clearance in carport perfect for diminutive folks.

* Tasteful "Termites Not Welcome" mailbox sign has worked for 3 of the last 5 years!

* "Sub Par" rating comes from rusted roof pipes (ripped off from a vintage WW II Russian submarine) - great for closeup views of night traffic and roving drug dealers.

* Peeling paint on siding gives this showhome the hot new "distressed" look.

* Tenants live rent-flea (6,500 cockroaches can't be wrong).

* Never worry about dry rot again - this has plenty!

* Don't let the surrounding low rental condos fool you - this one's a steal (it's steal on the market after 18 years).

See anything you like? Uncle Tim? LOL just kidding... just thought these were funny and since you were house hunting I thought I'd post it on my Blog for you to see it too!

And Last but not Least .......

GO! PITTSBURG STEELERS!!!! WOOO HOOO!!!!